After The Fall
by Alderraz
Summary: OneShot - Depicts Gabrielle's thought process during the confrontation between her and Xena in the episode: The Bitter Suite. Please R&R.


**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the computer this was written on. Xena: Warrior Princess and all story lines/characters belong to their respective owners. This is just for the entertainment purpose.. well, that and to fulfill a dare.**  
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Please R&R. I hope you all like it.**

**Cheers!**

**Alder.**

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If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that the tears we shed in this lifetime are the words that our heart cannot express.

What happens if the tears refuse to surface?

I opened my eyes, gazing through the light layer of mist that had gathered throughout the room before settling over the hesitant form of my attendant. For once I was glad for the ceremonial headdress she wore. There was a time where I thought them to look rather foolish, an interesting attempt to intimidate and disorient those who were not familiar with the sight. Now however, it deflected what I'm sure were gentle eyes, brimming with sympathy at the sight of my undoubtedly pitiful form.

My eyes closed once again, heavy from the effort it took just to sustain consciousness. The truth be told, I couldn't care what anyone else thought at the moment, I was too lost in my thoughts. Memories of the last few weeks consumed my waking moments, forcing me to relive the events that caused me such pain. It was all I could think about. Dreams that were once filled with hope and wonder were now diluted, lost in the midst of death and betrayal. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

_"Xena?" I stood in the doorway of Kaliapus' hut, my heart catching my throat at the sight of my best friend, sitting on the floor and cradling her son's lifeless body to her. _

"_No… no."_

_The quiet pleas were barely audible to my ears, but they broke my heart all the same. I had sent her here without a second thought, knowing that her plan was to murder the delegates children. I didn't want to believe that my child could be in league with Callisto. I didn't want to believe she was evil. My head began to spin, rapidly trying to keep up with everything that was going on._

_In my disbelief I found myself echoing her words. This couldn't be happening, not now, not to her. I felt my own grief start to well inside me, threatening to overwhelm me at any instant. My body brought me several steps farther into the room, instinctively moving to comfort my tortured friend, attempting to quell the impulse to run._

_"Get out."_

_The grief-stricken woman before me clasped her son's hand, desperately willing there to be a pulse present. She couldn't possibly think this was done on purpose, that I wanted this to happen.. Could she?_

_"Xena I - "_

_"GO!"_

My breath shuddered as my mind brought forth the memories from just a few days before, tormenting me. I was a murderess, whether the act was indirect or not, I set in motion the events the brought us both here. I killed her son. A child whom she had never really known, yet was so close to claiming. A child who, in such a short time, had come to mean a great deal to me, as if he too, were my own.

My own.

Hope.

The name struck through my mind, and I felt my chest contract as days of pent up emotion struggled to gain its freedom in one fell swoop.  
She was to be the life that made the horror worth it all. My silver lining. I had held so much hope for her, and longed for the day where I could teach her everything I knew. I wanted to show her the world, to teach her compassion, to prove to her that a life is not predetermined by hate.  
I wanted to watch her grow into the woman she would become. I wanted to be the one she ran to when she scraped her knees, the one she gossiped to when she found her first love, but instead I was forced to end her life at the bidding of someone I had thought was my closest friend. Never in my lifetime did I think I would be put in a position where I would be forced to endure so much. I had not only facilitated a murder, but had committed myself to carrying out the same action towards my own daughter.

What had happened to me?

What had happened to my life?

In just three years everything I had come to know had been turned upside down and shredded apart. On a whim I had decided to join Xena, and by doing so I had almost lost my family. I had traded a simple life in Potidaea for one that seemed to only bring me nightmares.

_Was it worth it all?_

The vision of my friend's tortured eyes faded from my memory, replaced with a loving one. I could almost feel her fingertips lightly tracing their way down, following the curvature of my face. The simple touch meant more to me than even a skilled bard's vocabulary could express. Just to have her here, to be able to look into those sparkling azure eyes and know that everything was alright… It would be the end of me.  
All I wanted to do right now was to let go, to hold her in my arms and tell her how sorry I am, to rid myself of this emptiness that had taken hold of my heart. Her name was on my lips, ready, waiting, but it did not come and the vision was quickly lost. Now instead of the soft, gentle caress of a lover, my cheek stung with an angry heat delivered from a hand I had not expected.

"You're not real. You're in my mind." My eyes opened slowly, wearily confronting my blond assailant. This was surely a trick my exhausted mind was playing on me, there would have been no way Callisto could have slipped her way past everyone outside. Not without causing a commotion.

"What difference would it make? You came here for the truth, and the truth is that Xena made us both." The smallest of smirks played across her delicate lips. She was teasing me, picking at my wounded psyche and taking advantage of my weakened state. "She shaped our lives, changed our fates… killed our families."

"No, I killed hers. Solan died because of my daughter." I sat up, turning my head away from her cold gaze. I didn't want to be listening to her. Please go away. This is my mind, I control what I see, so why wouldn't she go away?

"Because of Xena you had a daughter! Her hatred of Caesar took to you to Britannia." She moved behind me, coming close enough so I could feel her breath on my shoulder as she spoke.

"Yes but…" Everything she was saying was true. We had gone to Britannia in search of Boadicea. Xena had joined together with her and her people so many years ago, and now was intent on doing so again in order to derail the invasion plans of Julius Caesar. It was there, that I had first heard of whisperings of the One God, but it had turned out to be a tale to good to be true.

"Straight to Dahak where she deserted you. Isn't that right?" She took a light step closer to me, a look of excitement glinting in her eyes as she waited with anticipation for my answer.

"Isn't that right?"

"Yes."

"You hate her for it, don't you? For betraying you, failing you. You hate her, don't you?" A slow grin spread across her face, twisting her features into the mask of psychotic glee I had come to loathe. I turned my head away, refusing to acknowledge just how right she was.

"Don't you?" A slender hand cupped my chin, forcing me to look her. "Don't you?"

"YES!"

The word came with such ferocity that it frightened me, and in an instant my tormenter was gone, leaving me alone with my grief. I hated her. I hated her for what she had done to me, for leaving me to be used by Krafstar and raped by Dahak's flame. For abandoning me when I needed her the most. I had given this woman everything. My love. My trust. My life. All that I held dear was hers, and she had just thrown it all away. She had thrown _me_ away.

A scream tore through my throat. It was a sound of such anguish, one that I hadn't thought I was capable of producing. I flung myself forward, launching my body towards the entrance of the hut. I didn't care if she was only a hallucination, I needed to take my anger out on something, anything. I wanted this heartache to go away. I wanted this burning to end and for my mind to bring back the innocence it felt so empty without. Finally, for a sweet moment my body seemed to obey my wish. The exertion I had used in order to try and stand had drained me of all energy, causing my unused legs to falter and collapse. I felt the darkness closing in on me, the cool temperature of the stone floor easing me into unconsciousness.

--- _"Amazons, attack!" ---_

Piercing light and endless yelling brought me forth from my nothingness, replacing a sense of peace with disorientation and confusion. I was running, but I couldn't feel myself moving, in fact, I couldn't move at all. Strong arms had encircled themselves around me, hugging me to their chest like a lifeline. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to rid myself of the blurred vision that had settled in, and craned my neck to view my surroundings. What I saw was something that was enough to send a bolt of fear up my spine.

She had come for me, as I had no doubt she would. The frantic thudding of galloping hooves on the hardened ground drowning out the alarmed cries of my would be protectors. In truth, they knew that they could not stop her from taking what she wanted, but they would try.

I watched her then, as she made her way through the defense line, making quick work of any Amazon who dared to challenge her progress. I didn't want anyone to die trying to protect me. I wanted to call out, to tell my sisters not to try and stop her, but I was silenced by the pair of haunting blue eyes that suddenly appeared in front of me.  
_  
That's not possible, how did she get there so fast?_

She stood, unwavering, her gaze piercing its way into my soul. I struggled out of my rescuers grasp, willing my legs to move, to run, to get away from here as fast as possible, but they would not.

"Xena?" I had thought I could attempt to talk my way out of this, to try and avoid anyone else getting hurt, but my voice betrayed me. I could barely manage to force out her name, and that only seemed to fuel her rage. Joxer had taken it upon himself to be my last line of defense, wedging himself in front of me and almost daring the leather clad woman to try and get past him. I placed a hand on his shoulder, balancing myself against him to stop my legs from crumpling under me.

This was like a vision out of my worst nightmare. The person standing not ten feet in front of me was not the friend I had come to know and love. No. This was the Destroyer, the Conqueror, the dark side of Xena that I feared to my very core. This woman was fueled by hatred and grief, her mind warped with the need to extract vengeance… and I knew there would be no stopping her until that vengeance was complete.

"Go on Gabrielle." He began pushing me back with his free arm, his other reaching for what I could only assume was a weapon at his belt. Surely he wasn't planning on fighting her, was he?

"Joxer?"

"Run!" My intent fear of the situation melted my resolve and finally I was able to will my body to move. I turned and ran, trying to put as much distance between Xena and myself before she decided pursue the chase… but it was in vein.

There was no comparison, my reaction time and reflexes were no match for hers, and I barely had time to notice her movement before a line of thick rope begun to encircle my body. To my surprise, the rope slid down out of my line of sight and for a fleeting moment I thought I might have been safe. She missed, she didn't pull it tight to trap me! By some grace of the Gods I might get out of this alive!

It was only then that I felt the rough material tighten about my ankles and yank them out from under me. My ill contrived hopes scattered as I plummeted to the ground, violently knocking the breath, that I hadn't known I had been holding, from my lungs. I twisted and watched her mount her horse, tying the free end of the rope tightly to the saddle. It was then it dawned on me what was about to happen. She was going to kill me, and it was going to be as painful as she could possibly make it. I struggled to loosen my bindings, my panicked fingers clutching frantically at the knots. To my horror, I heard Xena urge her mount forward and I watched as the once slack rope became taut.

_This was not happening. _

I closed my eyes, praying to any God that would listen and desperately willing this to be just another harmless hallucination. I could control my own mind, and knowing that, I wouldn't be in any real danger. If this is just a trick, then I can will it all away and wake up, safe and sound, in the hut. Right? pleading came unanswered and my body surged forward, propelled by the mass of muscle and power that the golden horse possessed. I felt the earth racing under me, every pebble and thorn scratching across every bit my exposed flesh, digging it's way in.

I cried out, pleading for Xena to stop, but my words only surfaced as strangled cries and moans. This wasn't just revenge for her, this was an execution spectacle. As if hearing my thoughts, a maniacal cackle burst from her lips, urging the horse to it's limits. She was enjoying this, every last moment of it. The terrain slowly changed from sandy beaches to the hard grasslands that signalled the departure of the Amazon territory. Even if my sisters did come after me, they would never cover the distance in time. My mind was so preoccupied with trying to think of to escape this fate, that I did not see the large formation of rocks that jutted their way out of the ground.

"No…" My voice escaped from my throat once again, this time emerging as nothing more that a weak gasp as my head cracked against the solid surface of the rock and I fell once again into my own oblivion.

--- _"Vengeance!" _---

The clouds parted and my mind regained its consciousness. I wasn't dead. Every inch of my body was in agony, and I had no way to know how long I had been out, but all I could think about was how glad I was that the endless dragging had stopped. My head began to pound violently, threatening to drift back into the soothing comfort of darkness. I closed my eyes for a moment, content to just listen to the sound of the crashing

_Waves?_

My eyes flew open. The only bodies of water close to the Amazon lands was found five hundred meters below the ledge of a jagged cliff. It was then I felt her strong hands under me, balancing me high in the air while she prepared to launch me off the edge, and finally put an end to her murderous plan.  
No, if I was going to die today than this would not be the way I was going to leave this world. I summoned whatever strength I had left and brought my heel down, connecting solidly to Xena's face. The kick seemed to startle her, causing her to stumble backwards and lose her grip on me, sending my tense body rolling a few feet away from her. I pushed myself up to stand shakily on my battered legs and turned to her, facing the sheer fury glinting in her eyes.

Everything seemed to stop then. My mind was trying to figure out the scene that was presented before me, showing it to me in slow motion. This was not the woman I had fallen in love with. This was an impostor, a shadow of a woman who had emerged when her own defenses were shattered. This was the woman who blamed me for everything wrong that had happened within the last few weeks. This was the woman who brought me here, who forced me to kill my own flesh and blood, who was intent on killing me because I had the courage to love someone despite the darkness that surrounded them.

She had brought me to that Gods forsaken island and had deserted me. Left me alone with that cult in order to pursue her own vendetta against a man she could have easily killed many times, but refused to. Her love and hate affair with her past had brought us to Tartarus and back. She had torn me apart, thrown my concerns away and only regarded her own. Day after day she continually expected me to be there to support her and her insecurities. She expected me to be her rock, to console her and tell her everything would be all right… that I would always be there. Countless times I had held her as she revisited her past, rocking her to sleep and assuring her that it all would be well in the morning. 

_But what about my worries, what about my demons?_!

My mind screamed at her as I watched her regain her footing. Watched my love turned monster glare at me as if I were Cerberus himself. It shocked me to realize the thought of dying didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. The white heat of rage filled my very being, numbing me to my core. I had held back too long. I wanted to lash out at her, wound her as she had wounded me. I could feel the anger bubbling in my chest as I watched her straighten herself. She never took her eyes from me. She was challenging me, taunting me, she wanted me to attack her. If I did, it would justify her cause even more.

Then, the trigger appeared. She smiled, a malicious and ugly thing that was meant only encourage the dark emotions I'm sure she could see in me. I felt something inside of me snap, that last look etched into my minds eye for the rest of what could be my very short life.

If Xena wanted me to attack her, then who was I to deny her?

"I hate you!!" The words tore from my throat, and I launched myself at her, pushing every last ounce of power into the few strides it took to come within reaching distance. Using the momentum I had gathered I threw myself into her, causing the larger woman to stumble back a few paces - and sending the two of us plummeting to the frigid waters below. If she was so intent on seeing me die, then I was going to take her with me.

How much of our lives is left to the fates? Do we just follow some unseen path, or is our life determined by the choices that we make? No one can really know for sure what is in store for us, but there is one thing I am certain of. The tears we shed in this lifetime are the words that our hearts cannot express.

What happens if the tears never come?

If we survive the fall, I suppose we will find out.


End file.
